Skip to content

Gamer

September 24, 2009

It was inevitable, I guess. A bit like the infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters eventually producing the complete works of Shakespeare (in between furious bouts of wanking, presumably), I suppose that eventually we had to encounter a movie that was 100% comprised of bits from other films.

And I don’t just mean steals and homages and eyebrow-raising similarities strung out along the way. No, I mean, frame by frame copies, a sort of reverse scatter gun approach where all the other movies made up until this point, pepper images into a big vat of celluloid gloop and out comes a fully formed film. That movie is Gamer, and it is the most graphic view of how we will all go to Hell since Pieter Brueghel wondered, “hmm, let’s paint something with a bit more oomph today”.

In a dystopian futu-…

*bump*

*crack*

Kkkkzkkxk…kkkk…Zzxxxz…bbr…brrr

Brrr

*click*

Operator: What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: Yes hello? I need an ambulance as soon as possible, please.
Operator: OK sir, what’s your address?
Caller: TheseGloryDays
Operator: Is that the Internet?
Caller: er, yes. A small part of it.
Operator: OK sir, and what’s the problem?
Caller: We have a gentleman here that needs help. He’s not functioning and we’re trying to talk to him, but he’s not …
Operator: He’s not…?
Caller: He’s just ranting, rambling. Incoherent stuff.
Operator: OK, OK. Is he unconscious? Breathing?
Caller: He’s…he’s…[noises off, screaming]
Operator: Is that him?
Caller: He…just keeps shouting.
Operator: Alright, is he on the floor, where’s he at right now?
Caller: He’s by the PC, hitting the keys with his fists.
Operator: OK let’s get him on the floor.
Caller: OK…Ah…no. That’s not gonna happen…[the word ‘terminator’ is clearly heard]
Operator: We need to get him down to the floor. We’re on our way there, we’re on our way but I’m going to do as much as I can to help you over the phone. We’re already on our way.
Caller: Oh god, he’s…standing now.
Operator: Is he attacking you, sir?
Caller: No, he’s heading towards the shelf.
Operator: The…?
Caller: Shelf, the shelf with all his DVDs on it…no! Yes! He’s attacking me!
Operator: Is he attacking you, sir?
Caller: Yes, he’s throwing the DVDs at me.
Operator: Oh god
Caller: Running ManClockwork Or-…ah!…Logan’s Run…he…
Operator: Sir?
Caller: Some Japanese stuff…[a scream]…sorry! Sorry! Korean! Korean!
Operator: Jesus.
Caller: Sin City…now…what? Xbox games…Call O-…Aaarrgh!
Operator: Sir?
Operator: Sir?

kkbb..brrkk…reeeeeeeeeeeeee…

Operator: Sir?

Operator: Sir!

Advertisements
2 Comments leave one →
  1. September 24, 2009 2:28 pm

    Not surprising, but still disappointing. Some day there will be a good movie based on/about video games. Some day…

  2. September 24, 2009 2:36 pm

    Thanks Aiden. well, yes, quite…and I had thought that movie might be Halo…but it didn’t happen.

    Beautiful Katamari : The Movie?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: